I AM SO FUCKING TIRED
or NEW YEAR'S FUCKIN' COMIN' BABY
Oh god, Dear Reader. It’s been a month. Remember those fiery passionate weeks, how they flew by? Thousands of words, water down a river.
Now, Dear Reader.
Now everything hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does. I don’t write for you, I write for me.
The other option is burning alive from the inside out.
The Orange Man (Bad Be Upon Him) seems intent on slam-dunking his own not-even-yet-begun (to peak?) administration straight in to the fucking trash. Is his team this bad? Is he out of touch? (Anyone seen the Mandate of Heaven lately? Can’t fuckin’ find it.)
The Rocket Man (and he’s gonna be high, as a kite, by then) is maybe doing a humiliation ritual? I don’t believe he’s not overly-online enough to understand what a fucking dunce he’s being.
Is he that out of touch? Are they all?
Did they change?
Did we change?
Do I bump Creed’s Higher while I write this, or Chappell Roan’s Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl?
Who the fuck are we even, anymore, Dear Reader? I, Your Humble Author, a gibbering fool, you, Dear Reader, bright-eyed, earnest, a scamp, certainly.
We play our roles, we live in our skins, we brush our teeth.
Drink water.
Be evolved.
Be kind.
What if it actually works?
What happens if we all do the work?
What happens if we all evolve past… all of this?
Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl is wonderful, but far too tongue-in-cheek. Belgrade by Battle Tapes is clearly the superior choice.
I believe, I believe there’s a reason
There’s a breach in the hull
Started going under, loot and plunder
Hey guys before we get too much further, I’d like to remind everyone to share and subscribe and make sure you hit that bell! REAL SUPER FAST, I’d like to talk about today’s sponsor, R-
You know you know who I’m talking about.
Did you actually play that fucking goddamn game?
You fucking whore.
If you’re not gonna get the fuck off the net at least wipe your goddamn face off.
See, that’s my brand, is I’m always coming out of left field, who knows what wacky fucking nonsense Your Humble Author will get up to this time! Dear Reader, we are not who we are.
We could never be anything other than what we were, and you’re watching trillions of global federal dollars hit a fucking wall over this fact.
A: Wait, actually wasn’t your brand closer to meta-referential nonsense than wacky nonsense? We could quibble definitions, but, c’mon, vibe shift.
B: Uh, you wrote some cool serious stuff, I was definitely here for that.
C: Oh shit did you know people on orange twitter have these giant blogs on their profiles?
You can’t write about writing, because writing is HAVING A BRAND and having a brand is MAINTAINING PRESENCE and if you’re good at it you ENGAGE IN OUTREACH and you GENERATE ORGANIC REACTIONS and WORK YOUR WAY UP THE RIVER.
How exciting!
Even SERIOUS FUCKING AUTHORS writing SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS are here, same whores as the rest of us’ve always fucking been.
Wild, innit?
You look over and see a face you’ve seen on screens in cake makeup, fuck-me boots and an ever-so-coy skirt.
Pray, pray to any god that will listen, that we stay in long-wavelength light.
Fuckable light.
Sex sells, and the algo knows this. AIs don’t give a fuck, you can multi-track drift till your fucking bones rupture.
Let me be even more fucking crude and graphic,
you’re here sucking dick because you must.
This is where I go to blow off steam, because nothing takes the edge like sucking a dick.
Do you fucking get it yet?
No, you don’t. You won’t, either.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha, what’re ya gonna do?
Stop sucking dicks?
I’m sorry, Dear Reader, that was entirely off-brand (no it wasn’t).
You read this thinking I can give you some new insight? Some glimpse, some glint in the distance? Listen, I’m a fucking idiot with a keyboard. So are all of the others. You have to stop this shit, Dear Reader. I am not one so gauche as to brag about cup size, but a geometric trend is horrifying.
You have better shit to do. Put your fucking phone down, go start that laundry, go do those dishes, go fuck your person, go pet your pet, go dust your television (you nasty fucker), go out in to the world.
But not, like, too much, okay? You need to understand that our financial economy is based almost entirely on complex instruments which themselves are based on how much money a group of companies guesses that spotify will be paid by other companies to show those companies’ ads.
You need to think about that shit. Put your goddamn fucking phone down and think about what you just learned. If you already knew that? Based, why don’t you own a gun? If you already own a gun, there’s other stuff you could do too but this isn’t that article. You may now pick your phone up, and continue.
What do you do? Stop being so narcissistic, what do I do?
If I have a brand, then I can be a whore. If I reject being a dirty fucking slut, then I am free.
Free.
Free.
For a limited time only!
I know, I can trade my knowledge for currency!
This was always the deal, you petulant cretin.
Wow, hurtful, but that doesn’t change anything ethically! Morally?
I’m really asking, What Would Jesus Do?
Would Mister Christ charge a humble $4.95 a month for the lord’s word? Would he charge $19.95 a month to ensure the maximum amount of (clipped) coins to be used to buy the hungry their bread?
I- oop, wait, okay, apparently The Lord Provides. I don’t disagree with this, but if you aren’t initiated in to the world of “oh god what the fuck” it feels a bit… reductive? Hand-wavey? I dunno man, ain’t tryna get hit by lightning. Not even being sarcastic, god is fucking terrifying. (Based)
Now, Dear Reader, I shall clarify, I am not comparing my loathesome and wretched near-masturbatory wails about modern life under modern economics to the trials and travails of Mister Christ. I am merely using the extreme-most version of the argument to test the core concepts themselves.
So, like, back to the question at hand, would Christ charge a round $20 maybe? Intentionally using Madison Avenue-ism like [INTEGER].95 as a price feels horrid, doesn’t it?
Well, but studies show-
Well, if the studies said!
See, this is tik-tok brain writing1. You long-form fuckers (howdy), you see this on the line of slam poetry, and you’re more right than wrong, but that’s just how it be now. It just keeps distilling until the kids are fucking huffing literal Platonic Forms straight from the aether of the immaterium like fucking o’s from a bowl of spaghetti-o’s.
Do you understand yet why Luigi is so weird? Why it’s all so weird? We’re out of control. We’re in control. We are all, along some axis (axes? I am begging everyone reading this this is not a bit which one is correct I cannot live like this maybe thirty percent doing a bit) growing in ways we do not understand2.
What happens when the old ways of keeping us corralled stop working?
What happens when pigs fly?
Oh, it rains shit.
That’s the key though, to operating in this new paradigm.
You have to go fuck yourself.
See, the boomers, the newfags, the idiots, the riff-raff, they won’t go fuck themselves.
You and I, Dear Reader? Well, have you ever known Your Humble Author to not be a fucker? What is the self but another notch on the bedpost?
The most primitive version is “well, you called me evil, so evil I shall be”.
Aspire to be more infuriating.
”I don’t fucking care”
Hitting you with some bullshit? Hit ‘em with the razzle-dazzle: “I don’t fucking care”
You should care though. Don’t advertise it, that’s gay, retarded, and most importantly, it’s an attac surface.
Do you seriously still not understand this is literal goddamn modern warfare?
Did you actually fucking think your precious widdle minds were fucking sacrosanct from hackers, federal think tanks, NGOs and god knows who else?
Holy magical fucking thinking, Batman!
We’ve got to do better, Reddit! We’ve got to use our powers for GOOD! Not evil like reading vaccine meta-studies, or Open Source INTelligence or reverse engineering Digital Rights Management used to destroy humanity’s shared history of media!
NO!
We must, all together now, defend m’lady CIA NARRATIVES!
We pretend in the darkness
We pretend the night won’t steal our youth
Singing me the sweet songs of seduction
Let me be the fool fool fool who will live and die for you
You’ve heard the prognostications. Read the prophecy of /pol/-
No, mom, it’s, okay so there’s this website called 4chan- on the internet. Mom it’s not a game. Okay, nevermind.
Let me start over.
SURE FEELS LIKE SHIT’S FAST ON IT’S WAY TO PRETTY FUCKED, RIGHT?
(much better)
So we raised a generation of kids on a literal fucking battleground that we were all too goddamn primitive and psyopped to see as a literal warzone.
How’s that going?
Oh, they’re acting like they all have extreme PTSD?
Damn, that’s crazy.
No, I know, real war has bang bang pew pew, not tacka tacka click.
I hear you, and your viewpoint is valid, because this is a space where we here all voices and make space not only for each other but ourselves, to see each other, our journeys, some shared, how these connections bind us as spirits traveling through
I’m stopping here because I could probably do that for a page or two without repeating myself.3
Wouldn’t it just be nifty if we used enough corpo and therapy speak to break those self-same systems open?
You have to stop caring about shit that doesn’t matter, friend.
Who goddamn fucking cares whether Saint Luigi actually did or dindu nuffins?4
The CEO of the 8th largest comany on earth (“WELL AKSHALLY” nigga shut the fuck up) got shot on the fucking sidewalk and that is the part that matters.
Think about that shit.
Now, anything I say past this point requires money, as you only have free speech if you can afford pretty fucking good attorneys, otherwise dats a hemcin terrorism :(.
USA :)
It’s a vibe shift, innit? We keep running in fucking circles, oop, people are starting to trip and fall out.
Look at that, a qualitative change.
Shit, man, those are fucking rare, usually instead you’ve got some fucking jackoff feeding you absolute fucking horseshit about a ER UHM UH WELL ASKSHALLY A THREE PERCENT INCREASE IN THIS METRIC COULD CAUSE-
bro you sound soft, literally nobody fucking cares. Needs to be a mandatory requirement that everyone involved in policy decisions needs to fuck.
See violence is unfixable when it fucks the poors, but when it fucks the rich? HOLY SHIT YOU GODDAMN DEMONS HOW DARE YOU EVER FUCKING SPEAK OF US THAT WAY WHAT THE FUCK YOU NASTY LITTLE FUCKS WE ARE YOUR FUCKING GODS. Dead kids, yeah it’s Thursday, whatever, what does that have to do with anything? A person was shot.
Longform? More like longhouse, amirite bros?
No, see, you need to speak seriously and appeal directly to the conscious mind, where approved CIA narratives are waiting to interface with your informational package! Usage of other methods is not authorized.
Would you actually believe I’ve still never used short-form video? Yes, I am better than you. All of you. Fucking madness.
‘Yet’ (TEE EMM TRADEMARK ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BLAH BLAH little c in a circle (love that guy))
This is a cry for help.
I’m going to go over this once. The guy they are currently showboating around with almost certainly did not shoot Mister CEO Man. The official story is fucking retarded. The guy in the orange jumpsuit is either doing an ‘I am Spartacus’ or is some kind of 7d glowie patsy so they don’t have to say “SOMEONE SHOT THE CEO OF THE 8th LARGEST COMPANY ON EARTH AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO DID IT OR WHERE THEY ARE”. They will never say that, regardless of reality. This is in a footnote because it does not fucking matter. Godspeed to Saint Luigi, everyone throw $5 on his comisary.
« “WELL AKSHALLY” nigga shut the fuck up »
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH, WOWWWWWWW
I believe that if you meant we are all growing along the same shared axis, it's "axis," because just ah singular one. But if you meant we each have our own *individual* axis that we grow along, then together we have a bunch of "axes."
I apparently have had tiktok brain since adolescence because I had no trouble following along and in fact this landscape feels eerily like my own journaling. Our age gap is large enough that your musical references don't land in their particulars but I adore the fact of a soundtrack.
You are legit one of my favoritest interweb randos! ❤️